Grateful to be here today

Had a very scary day today. I'm thankful to be sitting here typing instead of what the alternative could have been....

You know those moments in life that seem to be going in slow motion, almost as if it is happening to someone else and you are merely watching it with the slo-mo button on? I had that today.

My kindergartner and I were out running errands. She likes to go to the credit union with me becuase the tellers always give her a sucker and she gets to have some alone time with Mommy. Since it was lunch time, I figured I'd stop and get us something from Wendys (they have a great 99 cent menu!) but as we approached a main intersection, I was dismayed to see that the lights were out, turning it into a giant four-way stop. That can prove to be tricky on a multi-lane busy road....

We patiently waited our turn and we finally got to the front. I was traveling East and a lady was to the left of me driving a compact car. We were both going straight. So, we wait for the east-bounders to go. Then the north-bounders went. The south-bounders were next, then it would be us. I was talking on my cell phone (not illegal in my state) and I watched the two southbounders go through the intersection, but then I saw a third go through... a guy behind the two front cars decided he was sick of waiting. I shook my head and commented to my husband (whom I was talking to) how people get too impatient when the traffic lights aren't working properly.

It was our turn and both the lady next to me and myself proceeded into the intersection. I was in no hurry -- Wendy's was just up the street and I was looking forward to my fries and chocolately, creamy Frosty. The lady must have been more anxious because she was a bit faster than I was. Just as I was adding pressure to the gas pedal I see out of the corner of my eye a black Blazer coming towards us. He was going southbound and was not going to stop for the light. That's when someone pushed the slo-mo.

I saw the Blazer coming from my right, I saw the little green car pulling ahead of me, I saw the Blazer moving in, passing in front of me and totally smashing in the poor lady. I was frozen in time as I watched her car spin a complete 180 to where she was facing east and I noticed the child sitting in the back throw their arms up to cover their head. Then, it was over. All the cars had stopped moving and I was still sitting in the middle of the intersection, not knowing what to do.

It all happened so fast!

My knees went weak, my hands were shaking. What should I do?

I knew I had to get out of the intersection, so I squeezed my car between the lady and the blazer and then I kept driving. I saw a guy jump out of his car with a cell phone, so I figured there were enough witnesses and enough people with cells to dial 911. I drove to the Walmart parking lot where I had been heading in the first place, parked the car and just sat.

My daughter was sitting behind me, and for the first time I heard her little voice. "Mommy, that was scary!"

"Yes, honey, it really was."

I had hung up on my husband right after the impact, so I picked up the phone to call him back. He had thought, in my haste, that it had been me in the accident so he was relieved to hear my voice. I explained the details to him and suddenly it all caught up with me and I started sobbing. I realized that it should have been my car that was hit. I was on the right side of the lady's car and the Blazer had come from the right. It should have been me.

I heard the ambulances heading to the scene. Six minutes -- not bad.

I'm so thankful that we were spared today. with my husband out of town, no medical insurance and money already as tight as it is, a car accident is not on the top of our "To Do" list. I gathered my composure and went through the Wendy's Drive-through and picked up some lunch and two Frosty's then went home.

It's 12 hours later now. Earlier this evening my sweet kindergartner commented to me: "Mommy, I still hear the sound in my head. It's a scary sound." I wonder if she realizes just how scary it really was??

Tonight before I sleep, I'll say a prayer, telling Father just how thankful I am that we were spared and that our family could go through the rest of the day normally. I will also ask him to bless the lady and her child who were not so lucky today and pray that all will be well with them again. I'll ask for forgiveness for not stopping to offer my help. And, finally, I'll pray that the guy in the Blazer will learn patience and compassion.

It was a harrowing day, for sure.

I dreamed about him last night. In my dream he decided to come home early and surprise me. I was so happy to see him and the girls were ecstatic -- dancing around him and giggling.

But, I woke up and his side of the bed was still empty.

It will be at least 8 more days until he is able to come home. The separation is very difficult. I still keep my cell phone with me at all times. It's comforting to know that through that little contraption, I can hear his voice in a matter of seconds. Technnology is awesome!

I think I'm coming down with something. I'm not feeling particularly good today and I can feel chest congestion building up. I just don't have the time to be sick. And, it's not like my kids will allow me to be sick either... they are so demanding. I could try calling my visiting teachers for help, but the entire time I've been on her list I haven't seen her more than one time. It frustrates me that I don't have the kind of visiting teacher that I am. Not to say that I'm oh so perfect, but I make an effort to know that my sisters know they are thought of and cared about. I make an effort to go each month and I take special care to talk to them otherwise as well -- like call out of the blue, or sit next to them at church. I have taken in more meals than I can count, but have never received one. I guess I should be lucky that circumstances have been such that I don't need a meal brought in... but, well, I fear that if I needed it, I wouldn't get it.

So, it's silly to think I'd get any help from there.

Look at me whine. Sheesh! I didn't mean to start this post so I could sound like a cry baby. I better end here.........

2 Down

I've now had two nights without him. The nights are the hardest. I don't sleep well and I continually find myself on his side of the bed. I'm constantly waking up, and then my mind starts to wander and think too much and then it's hard for me to go back to sleep. I'm really hating this separation.

But days are a bit easier. I've been busy with the kids' school and Church stuff. I worked all day on Tuesday at my job, which really ate up a lot of the day. Today, I had a friend over and we made spaghetti sauce with the tomatoes I harvested from our back yard. I feel a sense of accomplishment from getting that done. Now I have the task of cleaning up my kitchen. Joy.

I haven't had a lot of time to mope -- although when I have quiet moments that exactly what I want to do. It's kinda silly of me to be taking this so hard. He's just on a business trip, for heavens sake! How in the world would I be able to handle life if he were to die??

I'd never be able to have even made it to today if it weren't for my friend, Lammy. She may be an "online" friend (for now), but she's the best one I've got. She always knows the things to say to brighten my mood. Monday morning when I was feeling my worst, she was there, giving me encouragement and understanding. She's my rock. She makes me smile and I always feel better after talking to her. Everyone needs a friend like her -- and I can't tell you how long I've prayed for one! She's an answer to prayers in every way. Between her and Verizon Wireless, I think I'll get through these remaining 12 days unscathed.

Onwards and upwards.

Like Sands in an Hourglass

The day I've been dreading for months has arrived. I knew this day was coming, and I tried to prepare myself, but no amount of preparation can make it any easier.

My husband left this morning at 7:00 a.m. to be gone for 2+ weeks. To some women, 2 weeks is no big deal and I shouldn't be feeling so upset. I think of the military wives who I saw on the news recently saying goodbye to their husbands for 18 - 24 months. THEY are the ones who have a right to be upset, right? Of course, but that doesn't make this easier for me.

I'm not handling the separation well. I've been teary for days, but I couldn't let him see that because he says my sadness makes him feel guilty for going. His trip will be a good thing for us because it's a job that is paying really well, but even the money isn't helping much. I'm feeling so many emotions and I am just not dealing with them correctly.

Yesterday was my husband's birthday... and being a Sunday there were a lot of other things that needed to be taken care of. There was church and meetings, helping him pack, fielding phone calls and visitors and all the while trying to spend as much time together as a family as possible. My mom came by but only stayed about 45 minutes. His dad and step mom came over in the evening -- I was just putting dinner in the oven when they came. I was hoping they'd only stay for a few minutes, but an hour later, dinner was coming out of the oven and they were still here. They didn't get the clue that we wanted to have this meal together as a family ... alone. My husband invited them to stay, which they did. I hadn't planned on guests, so we really didn't have enough food. I didn't even get to sit next to my husband! They really overstayed their welcome.

They left at 8:30, just in time for us to put the kids to bed. I had hoped they'd be able to spend more time with Daddy before then, but it was a school night. So, they went to bed and hubby and I relaxed and watched a movie we'd rented. Then it was bedtime. He wanted to get an early start so he went right to sleep.

I wasn't as fortunate, so I took a sleeping pill to get me through the night. Otherwise I know I'd have been crying until the wee hours.

Now he's gone. He woke up, ate breakfast, woke the girls, we had a family prayer and he left.

I got the girls off to school, but not without massive drama. I'm typing this with a pit of guilt in my stomach, on top of all the other crappy feelings I have. My two youngest girls share a room and I have been after them for days to get it cleaned up. It's an absolute disaster in there. But, they somehow find other things to do than clean. So, this morning, when the carpool arrives 10 minutes early and my youngest daughter can't find her shoes, I exploded. I went in to help her, but I just threw toys and clothes around. She found some old shoes and I told her to wear those, but put them on in the car. The carpool daughter was at the front door saying, "We have to leave right now!!" That statement REALLY put me over the edge. How DARE she rush me when they were 10 minutes EARLY!! And, since I couldn't very well yell at her, I yelled at my kids worse. My youngest daughter was already crying and I made it worse by snatching her books from her, stuffing them into her backpack and then literally shoving her out the door. I slammed the door behind them and stomped up to my room.

And, that's where I am now. Alone. I'm sad he's gone. I'm sad I treated my kids the way I did. I'm sad to think tomorrow may not be any better. I just want to go back to bed, pull the covers over my head and not come out for 2 weeks.

Crap.

Shhhhh, it's a Secret!

I've created a monster!

Saturday was our errand day and this particular Saturday found us traveling to the mall so I could visit Victoria's Secret and exchange a bra I'd bought. In I trudged, with husband and three children in tow. Saturdays are busy days in the mall and there were a lot of people waiting in the check-out line -- affording us a lot of wait time, which gave my oldest daughter (9) the opportunity to scope her surroundings while she stood off to the side with her dad and two sisters.

I made my exchange, as well as an additional small purchase, and we left. I didn't think anything of the whole thing until later when my husband pulled me aside...

He'd been with the girls while I did my business and fielded my oldest's comments. She was shocked that the mannequins in the store were dressed SOOO immodestly, not to mention the photos on the wall! She couldn't believe that her own mother would dare patronize such an establishment -- oh, the immorality!! Her father tried to explain to her that most women wear these articles under their clothing and only their husbands get to see, to which she exclaimed, "I'm never going to wear this stuff to get a husband!"

Okay, so I admit, I'd like her to have a sense of modesty -- it's very important in this day and age -- but, I sure as heck don't want her to be a prude!! I took her aside later and explained that every woman needs bras and underwear and every woman has a different sense of style. She will be able to choose to wear what she is comfortable in, and someday her views on undergarments and lingerie will change. (oh, how I hope they change, even just a little).

On a side note, my middle daughter, who is 7, picked up a pair of thong underwear and studied it for several minutes trying to figure out how they worked. When I explained it to her, she remarked, rather loudly, "But, it would be like having a wedgie all day!!" Yep, that's for sure. Thongs were NOT invented by women.

56K??

This message is being written at the slow-as-molasses pace of a 56K modem. Not that I'm a slow typer, because I'm not.... but everything seems slow when it's done with dial-up.

I entered the high-speed superhighway about 4 months ago. Wow, what a difference a few hundred kilobytes make, eh? I was able to do things and see things my dial-up ISP never allowed me to do before. It was awesome.

But, I hit a brick wall this morning when I tried to sign in, only to find my provider is down. I did my duty and called customer service to alert them to the problem, yet here I sit... and sit... having to resort to my modem.

I was explaining my plight to my husband who said, "At least you have dial-up to fall back on." I gave him this analogy, to help him understand a bit better (you know how men are):

Let's say you are a teenager again. Remember how excited you were to have a driver's license and were able to go anywhere you wanted to go and get there quickly? Well, let's just say your car broke down and you couldn't get it to start, let alone drive. How would you feel to hear your parents say, "Well, at least you still have your bicycle, right?"

He understands my desperation now.

Oh, how I hope they get my broadband connection back up soon. 56K is going to be the death of me!!

Anxiety

Iveritably, every six months, the card arrives in the mail: You are due for a visit with the dentist. Today was my day. I always dread the dentist -- have my whole life. There is just something sort of invading about having someone mill around in your mouth. I'd actually rather visit the gynocologist ... well, maybe not quite that drastic, but they are about the same.

Last year at this time I was having significant tooth pain and went in for my semi-annual checkup. Turns out the dentist said I would need a root canal. Unfortunatley, our insurance was new and would not cover such extensive dental work without first passing the trial period. I tried to convey that to my dentist, but he said it really should be taken care of if we wanted to save the tooth. My dentist put in a temporary filling and asked me to set up an appointment for a few days later. I did so with great trepidation, knowing it was going to cost over $1000 (which we didn't have), not to mention the pain that would no-doubt accompany the procedure.

That night my mouth was killing me! I couldn't eat, I couldn't sleep, and no amount of ibuprofen was helping. I broke down and asked for a blessing. I was blessed that I would awake the next morning with no pain -- though the night was rough, morning brought significant relief.

I kept my appointment to go in for the root canal, but not without preparing with lots of prayer for help in paying for the procedure and calmness in undergoing something I was not looking forward to. I sat in the chair and explained my plight once again to my dentist, even explaining the blessing and prayers offered on my behalf. He asked if I was feeling pain, I said no. He was surprised. He decided to take an extra x-ray and was astonished to see that the tooth didn't appear to be as bad as he'd originally thought. No root canal would be needed.

WHEW! Imagine my relief.

He now refers to me as his faithful miracle patient. He even mentioned me in a testimony meeting he was conducting in his ward (he's a member of his ward's bishopric). I don't know if I'd go as far to say "faithful" since I asked for a blessing out of desperation -- but I'm so thankful that it worked and my mouth was healed!

So, every time I go in to see my dentist, I fear that the need for a root canal will return since our insurance will now cover one. But, today I received a clean bill of health. Mouth looks great with no signs of looming danger.

Look ma, no cavities!!!

I'm one happy camper! Only 6 more months remaining until my next appointment.....

One Week

Okay, so it's been a week since I started working out. I've done pretty well with consistency. By Wednesday it was difficult for me to walk up and down stairs because my leg muscles had taken such a beating! Doing the workouts on Thursday was a real trial, but I got through it and feel good about myself for sticking with it.

I've taken a few days off due to a visit from my Aunt Flo and I have finally regained normal movement in my legs. I'll be starting again tomorrow.

Now, I just wish it weren't my legs hurting... Gotta get the glutes and abs burning more since that's where I want the workout the most...

Ain't it great to be a girl?