The day I've been dreading for months has arrived. I knew this day was coming, and I tried to prepare myself, but no amount of preparation can make it any easier.
My husband left this morning at 7:00 a.m. to be gone for 2+ weeks. To some women, 2 weeks is no big deal and I shouldn't be feeling so upset. I think of the military wives who I saw on the news recently saying goodbye to their husbands for 18 - 24 months. THEY are the ones who have a right to be upset, right? Of course, but that doesn't make this easier for me.
I'm not handling the separation well. I've been teary for days, but I couldn't let him see that because he says my sadness makes him feel guilty for going. His trip will be a good thing for us because it's a job that is paying really well, but even the money isn't helping much. I'm feeling so many emotions and I am just not dealing with them correctly.
Yesterday was my husband's birthday... and being a Sunday there were a lot of other things that needed to be taken care of. There was church and meetings, helping him pack, fielding phone calls and visitors and all the while trying to spend as much time together as a family as possible. My mom came by but only stayed about 45 minutes. His dad and step mom came over in the evening -- I was just putting dinner in the oven when they came. I was hoping they'd only stay for a few minutes, but an hour later, dinner was coming out of the oven and they were still here. They didn't get the clue that we wanted to have this meal together as a family ... alone. My husband invited them to stay, which they did. I hadn't planned on guests, so we really didn't have enough food. I didn't even get to sit next to my husband! They really overstayed their welcome.
They left at 8:30, just in time for us to put the kids to bed. I had hoped they'd be able to spend more time with Daddy before then, but it was a school night. So, they went to bed and hubby and I relaxed and watched a movie we'd rented. Then it was bedtime. He wanted to get an early start so he went right to sleep.
I wasn't as fortunate, so I took a sleeping pill to get me through the night. Otherwise I know I'd have been crying until the wee hours.
Now he's gone. He woke up, ate breakfast, woke the girls, we had a family prayer and he left.
I got the girls off to school, but not without massive drama. I'm typing this with a pit of guilt in my stomach, on top of all the other crappy feelings I have. My two youngest girls share a room and I have been after them for days to get it cleaned up. It's an absolute disaster in there. But, they somehow find other things to do than clean. So, this morning, when the carpool arrives 10 minutes early and my youngest daughter can't find her shoes, I exploded. I went in to help her, but I just threw toys and clothes around. She found some old shoes and I told her to wear those, but put them on in the car. The carpool daughter was at the front door saying, "We have to leave right now!!" That statement REALLY put me over the edge. How DARE she rush me when they were 10 minutes EARLY!! And, since I couldn't very well yell at her, I yelled at my kids worse. My youngest daughter was already crying and I made it worse by snatching her books from her, stuffing them into her backpack and then literally shoving her out the door. I slammed the door behind them and stomped up to my room.
And, that's where I am now. Alone. I'm sad he's gone. I'm sad I treated my kids the way I did. I'm sad to think tomorrow may not be any better. I just want to go back to bed, pull the covers over my head and not come out for 2 weeks.
Crap.
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