Be Your Bold Self

BE YOUR BOLD SELF

That is my mantra these days. Within every person there are "multiple" personalities. That's not to say that we are all Sybils waiting to be taken to a mental institution. It simply means that we are constantly having an inner dialogue with ourselves in every little thing we do.

I'm usually a more reserved person. Not necessarily shy, just someone who's content to sit back and watch things unfold before her. Often, when I am in an uncomfortable situation, this is the dialogue that goes on in my brain:

They are going to laugh at you if you say anything.
No, they won't, they'll love me.
I bet your face is going to turn red.
Be quiet or you'll jinx it!
Why don't you just don't and say you did.
If you just get it over with, you'll be happier!
You're not pretty enough to go in there.
You're just as pretty as they are. Go in!
Remember what a nerd you are.
You're not the nerd you used to be.

Etc.

Getting ready to compete in the pageant has given me many opportunities to step out of my comfort zone (not something I enjoy doing on a regular basis) and I've had to stuff my insecure, whiney self into the corner each time. My bold self is the one who has confidence (or at least, fakes it really well) and has the ability to talk to anyone. My bold self is a Size 4 (I wish the rest of me was!), and she doesn't care what people think of her. My bold self knows she can accomplish anything and won't let anyone stand in her way.

I love my bold self, but unfortunately, my insecure self usually wins over and that's who I am most of the time. I'm hoping that through this pageant experience, and all the practice I've been getting of changing my comfort zone, will give my bold self a better foot hold in my psyche.

Be Your Bold Self!

My feet hurt, my wallet doesn't

Why is it that when I'm shopping for a specific item of clothing, I never find it?? And, why is it that when I'm merely window shopping, and have no money, I'm constantly finding things I wish I could buy? Somebody needs to get a hold of Murphy and tell him to add this to his stupid Laws.

All I wanted was a red blouse, with a nice levi jacket to wear over the top. You think I could find anything? Everyone has put out their spring collection, which consists of pastels and short sleeves. Nothing red! And, every denim jacket I found was the distressed, yellowing material that all the teens are into these days. Ick. Why can't they wear nice, clean-looking clothes?

Sigh.

And, don't even get me started on shoe shopping. I wanted a nice pair of classic black pumps with a 3" heel (sexy, eh?). But, again, all the spring stuff is out and there were sandals galore, and lots of strappy little things, but not my style.

Double sigh.

So, four stores later, I come home with one tiny parcel. My feet are killing me! I didn't get the clothes I wanted, but I did find a great purse. I've needed a new purse for ages, but never found the "right" one. But, at least my trip wasn't totally worthless. I got a new purse! Of course -- because I wasn't shopping for one, right??

At the Grooners

My five year old daughter returned home early from playing at a friend's house. I asked her why she didn't stay longer. She replied, "Because they had to pick up their dog from the grooners." Okaaaaaaaayyyy.

She went on to explain to me that a grooners is the place you take your dog, or your cat, or any pet to get brushed. But, not fish, because fish have scales on their body and that would hurt if you brushed them.

I'm amazed at the things that go through her mind sometimes!!

The Walls Have Ears

Have you ever been in a situation where you are "discussing" with a friend another person, only to turn around and see that other person nearby -- possibly within earshot?

That happened to me on Sunday. I was sitting in Relief Society next to one of my neighbors and we were discussing visiting teaching. I had recently discovered that this neighbor had become my new visiting teacher, but she hasn't had a chance to visit yet. Her companion has been my visiting teacher for over a year and rarely visits. My neighbor, "T" and I got to talking about "R" and the conversation turned to "R's daughter," who is 11. "R" is very successful in her career and her husband also has a great job so they are not want for much -- they are always traveling to this place and that place, wearing designer clothes, remodeling their home, etc. As a result, "R's daughter" tends to be a bit snobby. That's what "T" and I were discussing, and the fact that "R's daughter" has her own cell phone. I didn't think we were very loud, but when I turned around to check the clock I saw "R" sitting in the back, about 4 rows behind us.

Suddenly, it seemed that "T" and I had been shouting our conversation because I got that sinking feeling and I felt 2 inches tall. I like "R." She is a neat lady -- she's just not very consistent in her promises to visit me, and I don't agree with her avenues of parenting. I feel bad for talking about her like that.

"T" does not like "R" and is not happy to be companions with her. I like them both, but maybe not as a companionship. The dilemma now is whether I do anything to apologize to "R." It's possible that she heard us. There is also the possibility that she didn't.

I should learn my lesson and remember the counsel of my parents: "If you don't have anything nice to say, don't say anything at all."

Sigh.

My Personality

I took a personality test online today. The questions were odd, a bit repetitive, and kinda got me to thinking about how I view myself. When I got to the end and hit the "results" button, I didn't expect to be looking into a mirror.

Surprisingly, the results were pretty accurate to how I am.

Go figure.





My Personal Dna Report

Kick the Salesman, not the tires

It's been a while since I wrote last. No excuses. Just call me Slacker Queen, or simply, Your Highness, if you wish.

It was a crazy weekend. My husband finally went out and got himself a new truck. He's been talking about it for months and months, and I guess Mercury and Venus were aligned just right because we now have a new vehicle in the garage and a new car payment to prove it.

We really only went to the dealership to look, shop around, make comparisons. Unfortunately, we underestimated the salesmen. You know how when you first walk in, they are bending over backwards to make sure you get what you are looking for? They show you everything on the lot, spout out specs like they are telling you their names, and go on and on about how great the vehicle is. But, once you start talking numbers, Mr. Hyde pops out and all the niceties go right out the proverbial window.

We were at the Toyota dealer and my husband just wanted a baseline price -- but the salesman wouldn't talk numbers with him unless he first signed a paper saying he was serious about buying. They really use high-pressure tactics to get you to buy. The tension was so thick that I just wanted to get up and leave. My husband is very opinionated and speaks first, thinks later -- the interchange got rather heated. I was able to interject a few times to help smooth things over, becuase that's my job as Superwoman, right? Oh, wait, my cape is at the drycleaners... I'm Slacker Queen now!

We finaly convinced the salesmen (the original guy went and got his manager) to let us drive the truck home to see how it fit in our garage. It was good to get away from the sitatuion so we could think without them breathing down our necks.

We weren't out of the woods yet though... we get back to the dealership (this time with 2/3 of our children) and start talking numbers again. I swear the price changed every time we blinked, and not always in our favor. Good thing my husband was keeping a close eye on the numbers and wouldn't stand for any switcheroos...

To make a long story short, my husband got the truck of his dreams. I was lucky enough to be able to drive it, and it makes me hungry for a new car too... my car is 11 years old and showing its age! Unfortunately, one new car in this family is more than enough.

At least I can bask in the new car smell... that's almost as good, right??

Can You Hear Me Now?

And, thanks to Verizon, I CAN!!!

I spoke with my very best friend today for the first time ever. That sounds odd, I know, but it's just the way it is. I only met her a year or so ago online but we hit it right off and have been pals ever since.

So, after months and months of emails and IM chats, we spoke on the phone. It's still as though I've known her my entire life. It's only a matter of time now before we meet IRL.

Technology is awesome and thank heavens for unlimited cell to cell minutes!! Woohoo!

I'm Gonna Do It!

Turning the Big Three-Oh has caused me to do a lot of reflection on my life. It was difficult for me to enter into this new decade -- I feel as though I should have accomplished more in my life, have more experiences, seen more places...

For several months I have vacillated on the decision whether to compete for my State's title in the Mrs. United States Pageant. One day I would be feeling really confident and sure that it was the right thing for me, and the next day I would feel inadequate and like I would be making a fool of myself to even try.

But, today I convinced myself to go to the first orientation. I walked in the room, filled with intelligent, beautiful women, and almost turned around and walked back out. I forced myself to stay and sat at a table with very talkative, likeable women. By the time the orientation was over, I was feeling good about my decision to compete.

There are many obstacles in my way, and several hurdles I'll have to get by before the "big day," but I really think that I will come out of this a better person. I hope to gain more confidence in myself and my abilities, and be able to carry myself like the Daughter of a King that I am -- win or lose.

The Director of the Pageant told me, "You felt compelled to seek out this opportunity for a reason -- don't let it pass you by." I think she's right. It's time to step out of my comfort zone and get myself out there!

This is the life experience and accomplishment I've been lacking and it feels good to be a part of it all!

Here We Go Again!

This morning my youngest was difficult to rouse from bed. She has been nursing a cough for the past week and it must have finally caught up to her.

She was super whiney and difficult so I asked her if she was feeling sick. With her best puppy-dog face she nods yes, so I sent her off to bed again. The morning was spent in jammies watching television and playing her sister's Game Boy.

At lunchtime she comes to me and says, "Mommy, I'm not sick, I just didn't want to do something at school that would be really hard, but I don't remember what it was going to be..."

The kid is in Kindergarten. Give me a break! They aren't supposed to learn this stuff until they are at least in 3rd grade, right?

And, so it begins again.....

What's the deal??

Part of my New Year's resolution is to eat better -- so, in my quest to fulfill, I've made a better commitment at eating breakfast. I bought several Yoplait yogurts this week since they were on sale (who said you had to pay more to slim down??) and one of them was the "new" Yoplait Whips. I wanted to see if eating a chocolate yogurt was really "getting a massage GOOD."

Boy was I disappointed!

It was 4 oz. of whipped nothingness. Chocolate-flavored air. Not sure this counts as "part of a complete balanced breakfast" -- where's the rest of it?

What's next? Yogurt mist from a Binaca tube?

First Impressions...

First impressions are very important right??

I'm having about 15 women over tonight for Book Club. They will arrive at 7:00 and spend the majority of the time in my living room, discussing the book, with refreshments in the kitchen afterwards. Generally, I keep my house tidy -- lived in, but tidy. Today, however, I'm feeling the need to CLEAN, CLEAN, CLEAN! I've had to fight the urge to clean out and reorganize my kitchen cupboards -- I mean, really! Who's going to be opening my cupboards while they are here?? (although, someone might need a cup or something....)

I need to make sure all my windows are streak-free and gleaming (even though all the blinds will be closed since it will be dark outside). I'll have to be sure that my kids' rooms are spotless too (you just never know if the Group might want to whip out the Barbies for a while, or have a rousing game of Memory). What if someone needs a towel and opens my linen closet only to find it disorganized?? Better clean that too!

I have to draw the line at cleaning out from under my bed... NOBODY is going to be looking under there... (although, what if someone follows my cat under there and discovers all my dust bunnies??).

I am definitely sweeping and mopping my floors, wiping down all my counters and cabinets, dusting my living room and running a vacuum over the carpet, and scouring out the guest bathroom. That should make the house look presentable enough for company, don't you think?

Am I the only one who obsesses over the state of one's home when someone is coming over?

Maybe I should hire a maid!!

Counting My Blessings

I almost lost my youngest daughter tonight.

Braving the crowds at Wal-Mart has always been a source of anxiety for me, but I never thought it could be fatal. Man, I hate that store, and during the holiday season it's even worse! How is it possible to pack that many people into one building and still make it out with your saninty?

I was able to get in and traverse the aisles to get the items I needed, and I was able to do it without too much whining or grabbing from my three children, who were following behind me the whole way. Every once in a while I'd turn around and say, "Put that down," or "Please don't touch." Typical.

I was finally finished and I went to the check out... why is it that I ALWAYS choose the wrong line? Some guy at the checkstand was using some type of gift card and held up the line for 10 minutes. I really hate standing in lines -- especially when I'm so ready to be home already.

Finally, we get our stuff and we're heading out the door. My three ducklings are still waddling behind me as we exit the store. The parking lot is always packed, especially at this time of year... I wait for a clearing in the traffic so we can leave the doorway and head towards our car. I see it and walk out, pushing our cart and our bounty, when suddenly I hear: "Mom!"

The rest all happened in slow motion.

I turn to see my 5 year old sprawled out on the pavement face down -- I glance up to see a Chevy Tahoe pulling forward -- I see a woman who was walking into the store turn and wave her hands at the Tahoe, screaming STOP! -- I start screaming and running to my daughter... The Tahoe came within 3 inches of running her over. The driver couldn't see her when she tripped and thought the path was clear....

A crowd of onlookers voiced their concern to my little girl. I assured them she was okay, despite her hysteric crying. She was scared. She told me later that she saw the car coming and wanted to hurry and catch up with me. That's when she tripped. I bet her tiny life flashed before her eyes in that moment.

Thankfully, she came away with just a scraped nose and a fat lip. I just can't imagine how my life would be without this sweet little creature. I'm so blessed to be a mother.

I'm counting my blessings tonight: 1, 2 and 3

Blog me a Title

I feel inadequate as a blogger. As with any other new "project" I receive in my life, I begin with enthusiasm and high-hopes. Visions of grandeur and accolades abound -- but they are fleeing fantasies, because reality is anything but...

I have a few blogs that I read and their words make me laugh, cry, and everything in between. I often make the mistake of reading before coming here to make my own entry. I open the "create post" screen and blank out. I'm not witty. I don't have interesting things happening in my life. My daily routine is very mundane -- how does one make that entertaining to read about? I know it's possible, because I've read it in others' blogs. -- sigh -- Perhaps I'll have to start inventing a life.

Let's see..... I could be a fairy queen in a land far, far away and I can have sparkles in my hair and a teeny, tiny little waist while eating a banquet fit for my queenship each and every day. I get to live in a fairy castle and every day in my fairy kingdom is springtime. I have many many servants who live each day to serve my every command and I am free to do as I wish.....

It could happen. Right????

What Part of Thanksgiving Are You?

You Are Pumpkin Pie

Even when people are full - they make room for you. Good or bad, your smell is most likely to arouse a man.

What Part of Thanksgiving Are You?

I had to laugh... arouse a man? Me?? By Smell??? What's up with that?

We got tickets to see the newest Harry Potter movie for Saturday morning 11/19 (the day after its release). We only got three tickets, thinking with the PG-13 rating it might be too intense for our younger daughters. Besides, we thought it would give us an opportunity to do something special for our oldest daughter -- a date with Mom and Dad by herself. We thought it would be a fun surprise, so we didn't tell her about it beforehand.

Unfortunately, our plans were abruptly changed on Friday afternoon, thanks to the actions of our eldest....

Friday was a busy day, and I spent a lot of time working on my computer. My boss had given me quite a large workload and I was feeling overwhelmed. I needed a break, so decided to take 45 minutes and watch the rest of General Hospital on the big TV downstairs. When it was over, I trudged back up the stairs to finish my work when I noticed swift movement in my daughter's room. I went in to see what the problem was and found her hiding her face with the book she was reading. I asked her what she's doing. "Nothing, mommy," still covering her face.

"I don't believe you, Daughter. What are you doing? Are you eating something?" (food is not allowed in our girls' bedrooms).

"Show me what you are eating." I said sternly.

She took the book away from her face and she had a mouthful of candy. So, I walked over and pulled her blanket up... there was a huge pile of candy and empty wrappers next to her. I asked her where she got it, to which she replied, "From your room."

At that moment I knew her chances of seeing her beloved Daniel Radcliffe as Harry Potter were nil. I just shook my head at her and said, "You just changed everything."

I called my husband on the phone and he was as disappointed as I was. We have had problems in the past with our daughter stealing from the pantry and hiding treats in her room. This incident was worse because she actually stole from MY stash in MY room.

So, when hubby got home, we brought her into our room, closed the door and sat her down to talk. She tried to blame everyone else for her actions, calling our attention to every naughty thing her sisters have done in the past month. Unfortunately for her, that tactic doesn't work on us. We explained that her actions have consequences, and she wasn't going to like them. When she heard she was going to miss the movie, she was upset, but when she heard that we were taking her 7 year old sister instead, she was livid! "That's not fair!!"

We added to the consequence that while we were at the movie, she had to write a paper explaining how actions have consequences and how her actions affected the people in her life.

She thought we'd change our mind at the last minute and let her go afterall, but those hopes were dashed as we loaded into the car and pulled out of the driveway, leaving her home by herself to pay the piper.

The movie was great and our Middlest really enjoyed it. It wasn't too scary for her, even though there were some parts where she was leaning a little closer to hubby. LOL

Our eldest will just have to wait until it comes out on DVD.

Can You See Me Now?

I took my middlest daughter to the eye doctor last night, on the behest of her school teacher. My sweet 7 year old had never said anything to me before about not being able to see well, but when I asked her yesterday, she said if she's in the back of the room, she can't see the front, and vice versa. So, I made the appointment and we went.

I was concerned that the doctor would tell me that she is fine and can see well without glasses, I was also worried that he'd tell me she couldn't see and would need a pair right away. I guess I just have a hard time thinking of my kids as "broken." The first time my oldest lost a tooth about keeled me over, but that's another story for another time.

As I sat in the exam room and listened as the doctor asked my kid, "Better, or worse?" I thought of one of the later-season episodes of Little House on the Prairie, where the boy went to see Doc Baker. His story was that he couldn't see and wanted a pair of glasses. In all of his back-woods wisdom, Doc Baker gave him a pair of plain-glass glasses and miraculously the boy could see. Turns out, the kid just wanted to look "smart." Could this be my kid too?

But, to my relief (?) the eye doctor turned to me and said, "she definitely needs glasses."

We picked out a couple of frames and she looks rather cute. My oldest daughter was so jealous of her younger sister and the attention she was getting that she sulked from the moment we walked into the doctor's office, muttering "she's faking, she doesn't need glasses. She's going to look so ugly. Glasses are dumb." Sigh.

I paid the bill (which wasn't as bad as I thought it would be) and we headed home. We will pick up the glasses in about a week and a whole new world will open up to my middlest. I was about her age when I got glasses for the first time and I remember looking in awe at the trees as I rode home -- there were actually individual leaves on each branch! Woah! I'm excited for the same crispness to be revealed to B.

I was interrupted from my reverie when, from the back seat, my sweet 7 year old asked, "Mom, can I get braces too?"

Double sigh.

I am Woman!!

I changed my first tire today!

This afternoon I was waiting for my kindergartner to get home from school. The carpool was running a bit behind and just as I was thinking maybe it was my day to drive and I'd missed it, the familiar Toyota Sienna pulled up and my daughter climbed out. My friend (the carpool driver for today) called me shortly thereafter to tell me that she had been running late because her car had a flat tire. I told her to drive back over (she just lives a couple houses down) so I could fill her tire with my husband's air compressor -- thinking we could fix it temporarily so she could drive to the tire place.

I hooked up the compressor hose and began filling the tire, but the air wasn't going anywhere. I looked under the car and saw that the tire had come all the way off the rim.

Time to get the spare.

It took us 20 minutes to figure out how to get the spare tire out and another 10 minutes to figure out where to put the jack. You'd think they'd put better diagrams in car manuals. Sheesh!

Once that was accomplished, the next hard part was getting the lug nuts loosened. It took a lot of grunting before either one of us was able to get even one loosened. Thankfully there were only 5 of them!

We managed to get the tire off, the spare on, and clean up all within an hour. And, we did it all without a man! She was able to drive on the spare to Sears to have her tire replaced and all is well. I'm pretty impressed with myself today (although I doubt I could have done it without her).

I am woman, hear me ROAR!!!

Over the weekend my husband and I went out to dinner, just the two of us. We went early enough that there weren't huge crowds waiting to be seated and we were able to get in within 5 minutes.

We ordered our meals and waited. The kitchen was a bit backed up so the waittress brought us free chips and salsa, which was fine by us since we were enjoying the chance to catch up on each others' lives (this was our first chance to get out alone since he got back into town).

As we were talking, I looked up and saw a girl walking in to be seated. I called her name, "Jessica!" She turned and stopped. I was smiling at her and waiting for her to say something to me. I could tell she didn't recognize me... It took several seconds and the light went on... "Wow," she said. "I haven't seen you in ages!"

We chatted for a minute or so, and then she called over her husband to introduce him to us (last time I'd seen her, she wasn't married). She says, "this is my husband Marshall." I couldn't believe it! She'd gone and married one of the biggest dorks in our graduating class! Not only that, but she was about 60 lbs. heavier than I remember her last.

Jessica and I were close friends in high school and had many classes together -- as with most of the friends you have back then, we lost touch. It was good to see her again, though I'm surprised she didn't recognize me as quickly as I recognized her (despite her larger size). I don't think I've changed that much over the years.

Before we left, I'd written my phone number and email address down on a card and gave that to her. I hope she'll keep in touch. Besides, I'm just DYING to know how she came to meet and marry Marshall G!!!

Just say NO

Former First Lady, Nancy Reagan, said it best when she admonished the Nation (young and old) to just say no. Of course, she was speaking about drugs, but why couldn't it apply to other aspects of our lives?

It seems like I've been so busy lately doing things for other people, at the expense of my own sanity and well-being. Why is it that when I get the phone call asking me to do something I always say YES? My mind is screaming NO, but my mouth says YES every time. UGH!!

In fact, I was so excited for today since I didn't have anything going on... first day in two weeks that I get to myself. And, no sooner had I settled down to veg when the phone rang. It was my neighbor asking me if I could watch her little girl for her this afternoon so she could go over to the school for Parent Teacher Conferences. Like an idiot, I said YES. So much for my "free" day.

"NO." It's a teensy weensy little word... so why is it so hard to say? Am I afraid the world will come to an end? Will I be blackballed and ostracized because I didn't drive carpool one day? Will the whole of society quit functioning because I didn't pick up supplies for a Relief Society activity?

ACK!!!

Grateful to be here today

Had a very scary day today. I'm thankful to be sitting here typing instead of what the alternative could have been....

You know those moments in life that seem to be going in slow motion, almost as if it is happening to someone else and you are merely watching it with the slo-mo button on? I had that today.

My kindergartner and I were out running errands. She likes to go to the credit union with me becuase the tellers always give her a sucker and she gets to have some alone time with Mommy. Since it was lunch time, I figured I'd stop and get us something from Wendys (they have a great 99 cent menu!) but as we approached a main intersection, I was dismayed to see that the lights were out, turning it into a giant four-way stop. That can prove to be tricky on a multi-lane busy road....

We patiently waited our turn and we finally got to the front. I was traveling East and a lady was to the left of me driving a compact car. We were both going straight. So, we wait for the east-bounders to go. Then the north-bounders went. The south-bounders were next, then it would be us. I was talking on my cell phone (not illegal in my state) and I watched the two southbounders go through the intersection, but then I saw a third go through... a guy behind the two front cars decided he was sick of waiting. I shook my head and commented to my husband (whom I was talking to) how people get too impatient when the traffic lights aren't working properly.

It was our turn and both the lady next to me and myself proceeded into the intersection. I was in no hurry -- Wendy's was just up the street and I was looking forward to my fries and chocolately, creamy Frosty. The lady must have been more anxious because she was a bit faster than I was. Just as I was adding pressure to the gas pedal I see out of the corner of my eye a black Blazer coming towards us. He was going southbound and was not going to stop for the light. That's when someone pushed the slo-mo.

I saw the Blazer coming from my right, I saw the little green car pulling ahead of me, I saw the Blazer moving in, passing in front of me and totally smashing in the poor lady. I was frozen in time as I watched her car spin a complete 180 to where she was facing east and I noticed the child sitting in the back throw their arms up to cover their head. Then, it was over. All the cars had stopped moving and I was still sitting in the middle of the intersection, not knowing what to do.

It all happened so fast!

My knees went weak, my hands were shaking. What should I do?

I knew I had to get out of the intersection, so I squeezed my car between the lady and the blazer and then I kept driving. I saw a guy jump out of his car with a cell phone, so I figured there were enough witnesses and enough people with cells to dial 911. I drove to the Walmart parking lot where I had been heading in the first place, parked the car and just sat.

My daughter was sitting behind me, and for the first time I heard her little voice. "Mommy, that was scary!"

"Yes, honey, it really was."

I had hung up on my husband right after the impact, so I picked up the phone to call him back. He had thought, in my haste, that it had been me in the accident so he was relieved to hear my voice. I explained the details to him and suddenly it all caught up with me and I started sobbing. I realized that it should have been my car that was hit. I was on the right side of the lady's car and the Blazer had come from the right. It should have been me.

I heard the ambulances heading to the scene. Six minutes -- not bad.

I'm so thankful that we were spared today. with my husband out of town, no medical insurance and money already as tight as it is, a car accident is not on the top of our "To Do" list. I gathered my composure and went through the Wendy's Drive-through and picked up some lunch and two Frosty's then went home.

It's 12 hours later now. Earlier this evening my sweet kindergartner commented to me: "Mommy, I still hear the sound in my head. It's a scary sound." I wonder if she realizes just how scary it really was??

Tonight before I sleep, I'll say a prayer, telling Father just how thankful I am that we were spared and that our family could go through the rest of the day normally. I will also ask him to bless the lady and her child who were not so lucky today and pray that all will be well with them again. I'll ask for forgiveness for not stopping to offer my help. And, finally, I'll pray that the guy in the Blazer will learn patience and compassion.

It was a harrowing day, for sure.